Today I was deep in my mind for very long. During CD period, after Mdm.Sim asked us whether we are prepared for our exams, I started thinking about many things. I tried keeping it to myself, but I think writing it down and share it with other people might work for me. So i thought...
What would happen to me and her after we go into secondary 3? I'm really afraid that we would not get into the same class next year. If that really happens, does that mean that we can't get to be together? If I really could not get into Triple Science class, would she sacrifice the chance to get into that class to be in the same class as me? I know it's really selfish of me to want her to be in the same class as me, that's why working towards her standard is what I should aim for now.
Then I started thinking about the things I should do from now till exam is over. I know I should work as hard as I possibly can so that I don't even have to worry about not being in the same class as her next year. However, I asked myself ( not Eleanor of course ) this. I had already lose out to everyone for the first semester. Would doing well in this semester secure me a place in Triple Science class? Then I asked Jason about it. He said that if I do super well, it is possible though. Super well = Super Hardworking + A bit of intelligence. Then I keep hearing from Sherman that he definitely would not do well for the exams. Then Jason kept telling him to be confident. I think I need that kind of confidence too.
If next year, we could not get into the same class, I know I would cry. Cry not because we are not in the same class, but because the chances of seeing her is so much lesser. Cry because I could not be there for her when something bad happens. Cry because I'm not able to exchange looks with her anymore. Cry mostly because, we are seperated.
Seriously, I do not wish of all these to happen. I hate reality. Therefore, I would work doubly hard for this coming exam. Even if people say that I'm putting on an act, or that no matter how hard I study, I would still lose to them, I would not care. If at the end of the day, my results are still horrible, I could at least tell myself " Martin, you had done your best. " The rest would depend on fate to show me the way.
Working hard is torturing. Especially when you had missed out many lessons for this entire year. My lazy attitude had caused me pain. Now, I must pay for the laziness. Everytime I try to do revision or homework, my mind would tell me " Martin, it's time to play, don't study! " "Martin, exams are still far away, don't bother doing these useless revision. " " Martin, you can just copy answers from others tomorrow! " Everytime these happens, I would have to brainwash myself with motivational quotes that I've learnt from Ms.Rina's class. Sometimes it works, but most of the time I'm still stuck to the computer. However, thanks to Her, I'm pushing myself to my limits of studying. Till midnight, till 3am in the morning, I'm still doing my revision. Without her, I don't think I could do it. Plus, sometimes it really brightens my day when I realise I had done some homework which others have not. Not that I'm insulting those affected, it's just that it has been a really long time since I really done homework.
Now, I really want to apologise to my teachers. For all the hard work they have put in in teaching us, I only returned them with 0 gratitude. Especially to teachers who really cared for me, all I did during their lesson was read comic. That really is not the attitude i should show them.
And to those people who disturbed me during lessons, please stop it. I really have no time to handle all these kind of distractions anymore. And regarding things mentioned about her during lesson time, I seriously hope it would not affect the both of our studies. It really warms my heart when people just come up to me and ask whether I have any questions I'm unsure of and needs to be taught.
Last few nights, I could not get to sleep. I kept thinking about my dad. The truth is, I miss him. My dad had been such a wonderful dad. For the sake of our family, he agreed to go overseas and work there for 3 years. But I never put myself in his shoes. It is very lonely to stay in an apartment alone, especially when the apartment is quite big. Well. at first I felt quite happy as there is 1 person less to scold me whenever I misbehave. But things start to get worse. Take this year. I had missed school for 3 weeks! It's either I go on MC or merely wrote a parent's letter to the teacher. Whenever my dad comes back for a few days, he would definitely remind me of my truancy. But i merely ignored it. But now, I regretted not listening to my dad's advice. It has caused me misery. Last night, I suddenly thought about the time when I went Vietnam during the June Holidays. There, I had food poisoning and had to be admitted to the hospital. My dad was with me then. When the doctor injected the needle into my hand, I told myself that it would hurt just awhile. But it didn't. The needle was attached to a bag of liquid to hydrate me once more. I had to be attached to it for 2 hours. My dad then asked me whether it hurts. It seriously hurts alot, but for dignity sake I said it doesn't. At first I felt quite okay with it. Then the doctor injected a new medicine into the pump next to the injected area. Maybe because the doctor injected the new medicine too quickly, my veins started swelling up. My dad seemed quite worried when he saw that. I myself started to get anxious, and maybe because of that my whole body felt cold. My dad got as many blankets he could possibly find and ensured me that nothing would happen. All these happenings made me felt really touched when I recalled about it. This time when he came back, he bought each of us ( me and my siblings ) something that we wanted. Then I showed him my results and he merely asked me whether I was going for tuitions already. After I replied him, he said nothing. I really disappointed my dad. He had pinned all his hopes on me. I should not disappoint him. I really should not.
Now, I wish everyone all the best for this coming exam. Good luck ^^
" I hope we could always be together, no matter how hard, I'm willing to try. " MaRdiinz