i'm really really tired, and i wonder how many times i've been saying this already.
on wednesday night, haixin and kelvin came over to my house to polish up for thursday's cca orientation, and we stayed up till 3.30am?! and after i had finished with mine, i fell asleep on the couch, and haixin woke me up telling me it's 5.30am already, then i was like wad ?! i felt as though i only slept for a minute.
thursday was really horrendous. i dozed off in most of the lessons, and my hand was like writing nonsense as i tried staying awake (but in fact i was sleeping in my mind already). i really can't concentrate at all.
during cca orientation, everything went well till it started pouring all of a sudden and we had to move every display into shelter, and the corridors were really packed when the sec 1s came to visit our booth. thank God our boys were able to adapt to the indoors quickly and promote BB just as well. after all the boys left for home, the NCOs stayed back to rehearse for our BB Day, and i was really nervous at the thought of having to go up on stage and read the BB message (i was chosen among benedict and myself). then i made use of the time when the other NCOs are practising to familiarise myself with the chim-mer words.
reached home around 8.30pm, and i dozed off (on the couch again!) immediately, without even bathing nor eating dinner. i told myself to wake up earlier to pin up my badges & try do some homework, yet in the end i woke up at 12.30am thinking it was 6am! and i was like super fretful at the thought of not having enough time to do what i wanted to do. good thing it was only 12.30am, so i managed to sleep again and was awoken once again by my thoughts, by then it was already 5am, so i started pinning up my new badges.
i got myself all ready by 6.15am, but there were some delays here and there, and my mum was like speeding when driving me to school (i didn't know she dares to drive at the speed of 140km/h, cool!) in order for me not to be late.
however, i still arrived slightly late, and quickly got on with the preparation and stuff. our company was ready by 7am, and we proceeded to the hall to fall in. my heart raced as we were told not to move anymore and the students were getting into the hall, and i could even hear kelvin telling me he was anxious, and i perfectly understood how he felt.
at around 7.20am, the school went into silence as the school bell rang, and kelvin began with the parade - getting everyone to stand at attention, the national anthem, school pledge and commanding the school to be at ease. then it was my turn! my leg wobbled for awhile upon being asked to start, and i quickly picked up the microphone. i cleared my throat and started reading the BB message. i was like telling myself most of the time "don't be monotonous, read with passion, careful of the difficult words, slow down, relax!" and good thing i managed to overcome words like unprecedented, resilience & tenacity (:
just when i was almost finishing my speech, a group of people started clapping ._. i was super dejected?! why must they do their usual stuff on me? ): i finished up with the last few words and stood straight once again. perhaps i really didn't do a good job after all.
i fell asleep during physics class again, and the words i scribbled was really illiterate!
then during maths class, ms lim reprimanded the class for not submitting our assignments, and i was singled out by her, and she said "you can do so much the past few days in preparation for today, and also if you could dedicate your time to BB, why can't you for my work?! i really don't understand. and if you could not manage your life, you jolly well don't deserve to wear that rank of yours!"
i was awakened by her words, literally awakened. throughout the rest of her lesson, i really reflected on my ownself, thinking hard why i couldn't do her work despite not even touching the computer. have i been allocating too much time to BB, to the extend of sacrificing schoolwork? or am i just using the recruitment i am assigned to take charge and the polishing of my uniform as an excuse to my incompetency?
throughout the rest of the day, i didn't sleep a wink in other lessons and i was practically stoning in thoughts (i really stoned & thought about things at the same time). school then ended at 12.40pm and we all went for lunch.
during the preparation for recruitment, i was doing up the booth with some other boys. in the end, erving started playing with the bow and arrows, and he was in the position to shoot already. however he dropped the arrows and went to pick them up. my slow reaction made my warning came late, telling him to stop playing. in the end he shouted back at me saying "i not playing right?! why must you shout at me?!" and he went off without even allowing me to say my piece. at that point of time, with so many other boys fooling around the booth, my blood really boiled. in the end erving went to complain to the cadets, and they came to me asking about what had just happened. i was really pissed off, and looking how satisfied erving looks after complaining about me really seemed like fuel had just been added to the fire in my heart.
i wanted to discipline erving at that point of time, as he had questioned my authority to discipline him, but i had to finish the arrangement at the same time. at that moment kelvin came and asked me about something, and i shouted at kelvin unknowingly, emphasising my instruction to ask the boys to fall in. i think the other NCOs & boys who came to me at that time were being shouted at as well at that point of time. i was really overwhelmed by anger. then throughout the whole recruitment i was really stressed up, thinking of the homework, the behaviour of the boys & the innocence i wanted from the erving case.
after the whole recruitment had already ended, i went back to the den and kelvin, with the other NCOs were like telling me how rude i was when i shouted at them, and was really too much in my attitude towards them. at that point of time i was extremely saddened, and i quietly started cleaning up the den.
i haven't got a chance to tell any of the NCOs these, but i really feel like crying for being blamed all at one shot today, and no one spared me with their words. it's like, everyone has their own mistakes, yet they had to take the opportunity from one incident to shoot me at one shot, and so many things had spoiled my mood. i really feel unappreciated, and i don't even know how i should handle my emotions right now. damn it.
just hope sleeping could shook it all off.